It’s been a rough couple of months. Everything has changed and yet everything remains the same. Every day is a copy of the other, but still everything has moved inside, outside, everywhere. Nothing is what I thought I knew, the world as we knew it is shifting. I don’t know exactly if it is for a greater good, an awakening of consciousness or if we are going backwards. All I know is in the stillness, everything shattered into a million pieces and rearranged itself but somehow it manages to look the same every day.
The rainy season has just begun, the clothes are taking longer to dry and the drops echo in the background every day after 12pm approximately. With the seasons, I change. I have started a process that I can´t remember when or how it ignited itself in me. I think/feel it has to do with everything that is changing on the outside as well and the time that I’ve had to spend on my own. I had never been so much on my own, I have always been surrounded by the voices of others who have planted their hopes, views and dreams into me. I am a puzzle made up of small pieces of others and myself, a knitted pattern of experiences here and there and a growing spiral. Though many times I do feel that more than a growing spiral it becomes a downward one that spins and spins and doesn’t let me sleep.
As I stated when I began writing, it’s been rough, like a rocky road or an abandoned trail. I had promised myself to be closer and kinder to myself, but in the past and in the now, I have a tough time getting to know myself and learning to love the human shaped vessel that the Universe gave to me in this life. During the pandemic, I gained a lot of weight. My clothes don’t fit, my image has changed and what or who I see in the mirror is not someone I am familiar with. The process of weight loss is hard. It’s an exercise of patience, self-love and discipline. Unfortunately, I am not really good with patience and my relationship with self-love is kind of…unsteady. It takes time and a lot of effort to get to the goal: managing your meals, not blaming yourself everyday, stopping the guilt, removing the veil of hate with which you see yourself in the mirror and being able to squeeze some exercise here and there. I’ve found out that the hardest part is all in your mind. The toughest thing is to accept yourself each step of the way and being grateful for being at that stage.
Like the rainy season, it can get cloudy and rainy on my mind. For those of you unfamiliar with me, I have bipolar type 2. Maybe one day I’ll talk about it more extensively, but as of today, I just want to put it there, like a pin on a bulletin board that is full of nonsense and at the same everything put together makes sense. I am just coming out of being under the weather recently. I went through a rough patch of depression and I am still feeling its waves coming through. Sometimes they are like gigantic waves and sometimes it feels just like ripples from a stone coming back. Depression really takes a toll on you, it changes you. It doesn’t matter what started it, you’re not coming back the same person after fighting or cuddling everyday your own demons sometimes all day long and sometimes just before you go to bed. This time, it made me wonder which dreams are mine and where do I want to go as opposed to what has been planted in me and somehow I just let it grow into me.
I may not be making a lot of sense at this point or maybe I am. But at this moment I just feel lost. I no longer recognize a lot from myself, nor do I remember who I was before all this happened. I don’t have a specific type of person I’d like to share my life with, I don’t even know if I want to share my life with someone anymore. I don’t know if I’d like to continue with my current degree or go back to my past degree and finally finish it and get my Master’s degree. I don’t know what I like and what I don’t. At this point I feel empty, like an empty canvas, ready to get a masterpiece painted on but that the artist has no clue where to start. I am both the canvas and the artist or the rock and the sculptor. Somehow I have already started sculpting myself into someone or something different but nothing is what it seems and I am just here, floating in the vastness of space.
I hope to become that masterpiece, to find the way back, to listen once more to the song that is hidden in every heartbeat, in every bat of an eye, in every breath. I am lost, yet hopeful, since this is the time where I can paint something new, experience with different colors and contrasts. I am just, trying to know myself better, to bond with me, to get to know what this vessel is capable of and at the same time I just wonder when will I be able to put the fighting gloves down and just hug myself again. I am learning through a period of deep uncertainty. Everything has changed, everything is dark and at the same time there is light everywhere that blinds me. I am a mix of raw emotions and naked skin staring back. I no longer know. I am just here in the middle of the rainy season. As I listen to the drops patter on the roof, my thoughts do the same in my mind. I remember now that my plants get to grow in different ways with the rain and maybe, just maybe the seeds I have been planting myself in me will be able to reveal themselves and grow. I want to grow my confidence and the love for myself since I am just the Universe experiencing itself. I want to grow out of this confusion, I want, I will and I will weather the rainy season inside.